English Jokes (Vol 5)

Wife : Shall I prepare Sambar or Rasam today.
Husband : First make it, we will name it later

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A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:

Dear google, please do not behave like my wife...

Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting

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A married man's prayer;

Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away

You gave me youth, you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you

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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"

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Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..

Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

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Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there !

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A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the necklace FAKE?

Nooooo! That was the deal.

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A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.

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Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :

"Please Do Not Disturb me,

I am Married and already very Disturbed"

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English men have 1 month of festival in which they don't eat non veg. In their area there lived a sardaar who eats daily chicken. Disturbed with the smell of chicken the English men decided to complain to Pope.

Pope called up Sardaar and asked him to start following the Christian Religion and practice and he agreed. So the Pope sprinkled holy water on Sardaar and said "You born as a "Sikh", raised as a "Sikh", but now you are a"Christian"

Next day again Chicken smell came from Sardaar house🐓 So all English men visited Sardar's house and they saw......

Sardaar was sprinkling Holy water on Chicken and said

"You born as "Chicken", raised as a "chicken" but now you are .."Potato".

Pope shocked ....sardar rocked

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Suddenly wife wakes up her husband @ 2 AM. 

Wife : "who was heroine in film ARANMANAI?

Husband : "Hansika Mothwani, Andrea and Lakshmi Rai"!!

Wife : what was the screen name of Jothika in Chandramugi ??

Husband : "Ganga"!!

Wife : "Kavita, residing our opposite flat,when did she moved in??

Husband : " Two months completed last Wednesday.??!! Ok dear But, why are you asking me all this in the middle of the night??

Wife : " Today was my birthday "

"Silence"

"Pin drop Silence"

START MUSIC..

 

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Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?"

Wife (crying): Yes!

Husband: Who?

Wife: You!

Husband Died on the spot !!!

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Male criteria for life partner...

They expect their women to Look like "Miss Universe" and Work like "muniyamma..."

Females' criteria for life partner....

They expect their man to earn like ...Ambani  & behave like Manmohan Singh.

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A man got a call from unknown number..

Girl: Hi, wish you very happy Valentine's day...Are you single?

Man: Yes...Yes who are you?

Answer: Your wife!

( couple of hours , He gets Another call from unknown number)

Girl: Are you married?

Man: Yes, but who are you?

Girl: Your girlfriend, you fraud...you cheat.

Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife..

Ans: Marubadiyum un Wife dhaan da.

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Boy was in love with a 1st year girl but never had the guts to tell her. One night around 11pm he gathered some courage and sent her a text saying, 'I love u, I wanna date u. Please reply and tell me how u feel'. A few secs later he received a message alert on his phone. He was so scared & tensed to open it that night so he decided not to check and reply until the next morning when he's less tensed.

When he woke up the next day...He prayed seriously about the message for good news, did his morning chores, brushed his teeth...ate his breakfast, had his bath, dressed up then climbed into bed and picked his phone to read the message. This was the response he read:

 "Dear customer you have insufficient balance to send this message. Please recharge your account and try again...