English Jokes (Vol 1)

Josiar: Sir ungaluku oru dosham iruku.

Kalyanam panna podium

Man: Ennadhu Sir adhu?

Josiar: Santhosham

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Conversation between a Doctor and the patient :

D : What soap do u use ?

P : K.P.Nampoothiri's soap.

D : Paste ?
P : K.P. Nampoothiri's    paste.

 

D : Shampoo?
P : K.P. Nampoothiri's shampoo.

 

D : Hair oil?

P : K.P.Nampoothiri's oil.

D : Is K.P.Nampoothiri an international brand ?
P : No, K.P. Nampoothiri is my room partner.

 

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Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

'Hello, Mr. Obama!' and heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'

'Well, Gurmukh,' Obama replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight.'

Obama paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again. 'Mr. Obama, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment.'

'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh?' Obama asked. 'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'

Obama sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'

'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

'Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne.... .. We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'

Obama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'

'Tera bhala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

'Kiddan, Mr.Obama! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Obama. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!!'

NOW, THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE!!

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Bartender: "Your glass is Empty, would you like another one?

"Santa: "Why the hell would I want two empty glasses?"

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Ponnu side -- (payyana kekara  :)

Yennaapa pannindirukkai ?

Payyan: Sir, admin department la  Irukken....

Ponnu side  (sandoshama :)):

Endha company la ...

Payyan: whatsapp la 3-4 groups ku admin Naanu

Dedicated to all group admin
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One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class

Professor : What kind of Wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon

Professor : Wow !!  what a choice. So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon? 🌙

Johnny : No, no

Professor : oh so u want her to be Round and white?

Johny: No, no

Professor : Oh, so u want her to be Fair and Beautiful like d moon? 🌝

Johny: No, no

I want her to be Exactly like MOON . Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning

Professor fainted

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I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in.
She said - Cheque books.

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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

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Definition of Nurse :  A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

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Boss:- We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A:  Because they are already leading a dog's life!

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Q: What's the similarity between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

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What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss".
The other says "It's morning, boss."

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Teacher : Why You Have Not Completed Your Homework?

Student. : Power Cut Sir!

Teacher : U Can Light Up Candle And Complete Your Home Work Right?

Student : Match Box Is In Pooja Room. So I Cant Light Up Candle.

Teacher : Why You Have Not Taken That Match Box?

Student : I Didn't Took Bath,So I Cant Go Inside The Pooja Room.

Teacher : Why U Didn't Took Bath?

Student : Motor Is Not Working, There Is No Water At All.

Teacher: Why Motor Is Not Working?

Student : (Loosaa Nee) I told you power cut