English Jokes (Vol 2)

School Phone Menu ..... California School.

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, 

Please listen to all the options before making a selection:

- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

- To complain about what we do - Press 3

- To swear at staff members - Press 4

- To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

- To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

- To complain about school lunches - Press 0

- If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not all the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me senseless.

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water and hold it in your mouth. hold it in but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I kept the water in my mouth. Held it in till he sleeps, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps".

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Innocence is bliss!

Kid in a English class :- " Me sleep with Dad last night. "

Teacher (correcting) :- No beta,  I slept with Dad last night..

Kid :- U might have come after I slept.

Teacher:- Getout.

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In a Nursery School Canteen...

There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it.

"Do not take more than one, God is watching"

On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,

A small child went & wrote on it.

"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...

NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!

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KID :- Why some of your hair are white dad...?

DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…

KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…

Moral :- Don’t be over smart...

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Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?

Mummy : Because he speak only truth...

Child : Now I understood why ladies have long hair...

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Teacher: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years.

Teacher: What? How is this possible?

Kid: He became father only when I was born.

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Teacher : Can you please tell the name of 2 great Kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives ?”

Student : “Smo-king & Drin-king ” !!!

Teacher Resigned !

Teacher: Who was Akbar ?  

Boy: Akbar was Gay. 

Teacher:- What, Are you mad ? Why did you say that? 

‎Boy:- We have heard Laila - Majnu, Romeo-Juliet, But Only Akbar - Birbal !

Teacher died !

‎

Teacher : Pasangala, britannia tiger biscuit cover la green dot irrukumla adhan meaning enna?

Student : tiger online la  irruku.

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2 Wives chatting in office :

Wife 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours???

Wife 2 : It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?

Wife 1 : Oh mine was amazing ! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.  After dinner we walked for an hour.When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale !

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you ?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab or auto.We walked home which took an hour & when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house !!!!!!

MORAL: PRESENTATION DOES MATTER... NO MATTER WHAT THE REALITY IS !!!

Chanakya writes

"If you want to be

Happy with your husband,

Love him Less &

Understand him more !

If you want to be

Happy with your wife,

Love her More &

NEVER try to Understand her !"

Dedicated to All married couple

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A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday. 

How? The other beggar asked. 

First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday. 

I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-, 

And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money. 

The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him. 

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free. 

A wonderful example of financial management indeed 

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Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?

Husband: What do you think I am... a gardener ?

Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?

Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?

In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.

Husband: Who did all this ?

Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options.... Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.

Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.

Wife: What do you think I am.......McDonald ?!!